Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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