my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize