i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
