I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
