The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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