I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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