i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
