So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
