Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
