i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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