party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
