my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
