i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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