I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
high people should be assigned attendants
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's shark week go big or go home
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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