porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
And then my night got REAL pukey
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
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