woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
