So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
