I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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