Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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