dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
