Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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