he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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