I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
