He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
