I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
