i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize