In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
