my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm having to shit out rocks
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