I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
His hands were made for my vagina.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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