help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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