She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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