I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Why are your pants in the freezer?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
