Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
