If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So much rum. So many feels.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
