Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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