I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize