now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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