I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize