Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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