my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
