I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
