I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
porn star boner night. come get it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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