I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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