I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
