Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
