respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
