***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
