I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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