i need an iv and a liver transplant
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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