I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
