There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
