nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize