i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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