Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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