I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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