You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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