Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
