I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
