I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
